Mrs S. Wife of MK.
Married for 12 years…
No babies yet.
Has undergone a lot of infertility work since 2011…
10 IUIs, 5 IVFs, one ovarian cyst surgery, one ectopic pregnancy, finally the docs decided to remove both tubes.
So now planning the 6th IVF with donor ovum…Because docs said no ova…
In the conversation on video call nearly 2 hours…All history was taken…
Husband felt there was nothing wrong with him. All issues were with wife…
Wife gave history of very bad childhood , all that she could remember were her dad beating her almost every day and once trying to push her into a well.
Fear, anger, I secretly keep wishing for abortion to happen. Below my navel strong feeling that I don’t want babies.
I want to do himse ( hurt) to babies in my family , I don’t do but the urge is severe.
I want to punish my baby exactly like father punished me.
Didn’t want to go to school, father punished severely.
I keep getting dreams that someone’s pushing me from behind.
Fears she may kill her baby…
Fears she may do what dad did to her…She dreaded being a child, being forced to go to school also as they used to beat her in school.
Yearned for motherhood…
Both yearned for parenthood.
Husband loved her a lot she said.
Did physical sessions from 10 am to 10 pm with breaks.
Wife’s session is here. ( I am cutting down all my talking. ) The whole session was in Kannada.
HR 2y/8n
VAK/ABC:7/10/6
Eye roll: 2
Pain 10
Deep relaxation technique.
It is dark
I am feeling normal
(Asked her to remember a happy event from current life.)
Can’t remember…
(Sad event?)
No…
Below 10 years…
I am going to School with my friends R, R ,S ,S and some more…
12 years…May be…
We are discussing about school, friends, teachers…
I am happy…
I am in 5th standard…
Still chattering away…
Brown uniform…
Blue bag…
We are teasing about M sir…The way he scolds us for not learning English properly.
Day time…On our way to school…The school is outside the village…
S is my besssst friend…I like her a lot.
Can see the building…( says name of school)
Prayers are happening…
Now janaganamana…
Going to class…
Happy days…
Can’t remember anything else…
(Are you becoming aware of anything?)
No
(Do you remember your home, appa Amma…)
Can’t remember…
(When the client fears , resists remembering, I ask them about their emotions, if they feel anything anywhere in their physical body, body signs , subtle or severe, then connec them to the root cause of that feeling , emotion or sensation.)
Pain in the neck…(Winces)…
Tightness…
Someone’s holding my head tight…
Back of neck…Back of head…My back is very painful as if bruised badly…
Below 5 years…
Playing…Wearing big Hawaii chappal…now I am eating the chappal…I don’t know why I am eating…Chewing it…
Compound wall…Near that…
Dog ran…Brother has gone to school…I am Alone…Mother washing vessels…I am stubborn…I refused to go to school…I don’t like school…
Don’t know why I am eating, chewing chappal…
I am not hungry…But I am chewing…I can feel tightness on my back…
They beat me in school… L kg teacher S beats very badly…
I didn’t write ಅ ಆ ಇ ಈ…
It didn’t go into my head…
She’s beating me on my palm… That’s why I tell my parents I don’t want to go to school…But they never understand…
I am feeling bad…School is bad…I will never go…I have decided…
Once in a while I go and every time I get beaten…
Later I didn’t go for 2 years…I know I wasted…
I feel guilty…
I can see my friends…They are all happy…
I dread being beaten…
That’s all , same thing…I feel sad…
(I take her through breathing, counting…)
I can’t remember anything more…
(Breathing…)
(54321…Infancy)…
Can’t remember…
(Breathing…
54321…Womb…)
I can’t remember…
(Resisting…The subconscious mind trying to protect by resisting)
(Dave Elman)
Silence…
(Again connecting to the pain in the neck and head…And to the root of these pains…
Connection between these pains and her inability to become mother…And experience the joys of life)
(I thought I must honour her not wanting to remember and confront…Decide to give her a relaxation experience in the garden and heal herself… … Tunnel of light…Nature…)
Can’t come out of tunnel…Can’t see…
(Appears anxious…
Appears sad…)
(Suggesting to her only to bring her awareness to the deep seated pain in the body, the sadness and feelings …Breathing…Numbers…)
My whole body is shivering…
I am scared, I feel very cold…(I covered her with a blanket)
(Connecting her shivering, fear to her current life issue of inability to become mother)
My back is paining… father’s hitting me…I am bleeding…
Yahoo my back…I am 7 years…
I am crying uncontrollably…
Hitting my head…
Amma fetching water from corporation tap…
Waiting for amma to help me…My mother is helpless…She can hear me but can’t help me…Dad doesn’t allow…
Severe Abreactions…
Appa…Please … Don’t beat me…I promise I will go to school… Don’t… Don’t… ammmaaa please protect me … appa don’t…
Went on for a few minutes…
(I understand that you are feeling helpless, I understand you have pain…there’s no need for you to suffer the pain now…Just float above n watch…)
Appa not allowing amma to come near me…Want to run to her… appa won’t allow…
Whichever side I try to escape he catches me…Appa I will go to school…Big mistake I made…I don’t want to get beaten any more…
Nobody applies anything on my wounds…Hurts when I bathe…
Amma tries to console me…
(Silence in between sobs…)
( What in your awareness is the connection between that memory and your current condition?)
This is why…
I never want to become like him or her…
I feel he’s a bad father…
Amma trying to protect …Appa doesn’t allow…
I don’t want to beat my children…He could have killed me…
I don’t want to kill my babies…
( How would you like to heal that now?
You have a beautiful opportunity to heal all that comes in the way)
Silence…
I don’t want to forgive him…noooo.
.(i hadn’t even mentioned the word forgiving…I was taken aback… It’s like the higher self wanted to forgive but there was huge unwillingness)
( I asked if she wanted to explore more…She said yes)
(Deeper relaxation…Staircase… Steps…Another different staircase…Numbers…)
Darkness…Like a closed room…
I feel like I am a grown up girl 17, 18 yrs…
I feel like staying in that dark space…
I don’t feel like coming out …
Because outside there is something I don’t like…
I am wearing churidhar…
During my wedding time…
Don’t know why but I like being in the dark…
Father drinking…With his friends…Cards…Making a mess of our house when we were away at granny’s place…
He would eat hotel food…
Dad n mom fighting beating…Throwing mom out of the house…Brother and I come in between…
All homes are happy homes…Why is my father like this .Why are my parents like this…Want to just leave home…So I get married…
Silence…Winces…
(Where are you feeling that pain in your body.)…
Back of the neck, lower head…
She was going in and out…
Thought of bringing her out as she looked tired…
(Do you want to say anything to your father for all the pain you experienced…)
I want to hit my father…
(Did a forgiveness exercise)
(Beautiful spot in nature…Father on stage…Shrinks to become a small child…
Now what do you want to do to him?
…
Your father is fervently asking you to forgive him…)
Cries…I don’t want to forgive him…And opens eyes…
After settling down…
She said she felt a strange relief that she finally understood why she blocked all roads to become a parent…That she held deep resentment about father being that way and mother also not being the supportive mother she could have been… She held her father responsible for her current state…Secretly didn’t want to give the title of grandfather to dad!
We discussed about how each parent comes from their understanding of life and behave the way they do coming from the knowledge they have at that time…
She said that by her not forgiving him she was preventing herself from experiencing the joys of life, that her belief that she was meant to suffer always was actually coming in the way.
We discussed that she now had a choice…To forgive and set herself free or to stay in the sadness of unfulfilled dream of motherhood.
She wanted to choose the former.
We did a forgiveness exercise, releasing, nurturing the inner child…She said she was laughing from deep inside for the first time after many years.
Pain level 2
