Dealing with drunk and abusive family members

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Today a traumatic childhood memory was triggered for me after what Neha reported.

When I was 10 years into my journey on this earth wewere living in a house overlooking a mansion across the road. A family had built that beautiful house and moved in. The husband was working in a top company of the time, had two grown up daughters and the wife was known to my mother.

One night we heard a disconcerting brawl and my mother and I came to the balcony and saw the lady waking away quickly into the darkness of the street.
Since it was pretty late at night none of the neighbours cared to intervene, but my mother wanted to help. She asked me to accompany her and when we both caught up with the lady, she was weeping. We were shocked to see that when she lifted her saree’s pallu, her clothes were torn!

Weeping like a child she was narrating to my mother how her husband was drunk and had beaten her up so badly.

That’s the day I witnessed the evil of alcohol first hand and hence decided to stayed away from it. Alcohol is not entertainment.

So coming back to what happened today morning, our help is from Nepal and was married at the age of 19 and is a mother of a 2 year old. Studied upto 8th grade and was married off as a child.
Darshana came to work with IV mark on her hands and when Neha asked her on what happened she broke down. Neha didn’t understand Hindi and hence called me.

She told us that her husband was fully drunk yesterday as it was his salary day and vented out all his frustration upon her. Feeling helpless she consumed poison but was rushed to the hospital and the following rigmarole.

To ensure that she has her financial independence we got her a smart phone and arranging for a bank account so that she can save some of her earnings and handle such situations better.

Putting ourselves in her shoes we felt helpless on how to deal with a situation like this, please advise on how can we help her :pray:
What should she do ideally do so that she has a healthy family?

What is the SOP (standard operating procedure) she can follow when her husband turns home drunk? We asked her to come home with her baby and stay with us if he does this again. Are we right in saying this?

I believe the as much as we have karma of indulgence, we also incur karma for omission. We need to help mothers who are in such situations and any advice from you is highly appreciable.
Remember this is brainstorming as the more Ridiculous your suggestion the more it has the potential to solve this problem for so many. image

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He can be given affirmations to quit drinking, smoking under hypnosis.
That’s a probable solution that came to my mind

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Dear Venu,
This is what came to my mind.

  1. Abusive drunkard cannot be changed, of course we can try, We can’t give much time as such a person can do anything.
  2. This maybe contentious…people with suicidal tendencies also are difficult to change, not talking about those large number of people who contemplate suicide but those who seriously attempt and fail by chance. Suicide attempt is done by people who are daring in nature… Most women silently endure abuse till someone intervenes and helps.
    We cannot advise him. He may be spoken to when he is sober , but when drunk he is out of his mind.
    I feel Remote spirit releasement to be done on him as an attempt to prevent him from doing heinous crime. As Edith Fiore says in her book alcoholics are always possessed.
    Regression on the young lady in presence of Neha With recording ( to be on safer side). To check recurring pattern of abuse and suicide/murder if any. We don’t have to give any suggestion, her subconscious will come up automatically on how to deal with him and herself.
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Dearest Venu & Neha
The names and faces change , YES maybe even the social status can change
but sadly what remains constant is men abusing women physically,
emotionally ,sexually and mentally on the PRETENSE of being under the
influence of alcohol Sadly it has has become so common that even the abused
wives themselves have started accepting it as part of their life VERY SAD
BUT THIS IS THE TRUTH IN MOST IF NOT ALL CASSES .

First my thoughts for the woman
Definitely she needs counseling.One never knows maybe if she has the
financial independence and emotional support she can choose to terminate
this marriage and walk out of this toxic relationship She is young so with
the right support she can heal herself and move ahead in life If she
chooses this as her option then that’s the best choice But yes this has to
be her decision and not our suggestion and recommendation Because she knows
best why she is still in this marriage and hence walking out or staying in
this toxic relationship should be entirely her decision

As for the man in my opinion he is actually suffering more As we all know
it’s only HURT PEOPLE THAT HURT PEOPLE .So try having a firm talk with him
asking him to stay clean from alcohol .Again since I personally don’t
believe that alcohol is the only reason for his unacceptable behavior . In
my opinion abstaining from alcohol will only give a temporary relief . I
firmly believe by doing so we will only be addressing the symptoms and not
the illness. Regardless of the fact if he is right or wrong he too must
be heard Let’s hate the sin and not the sinner Easier said than done I know
but the situation is such there are two people affected not just the woman
alone

Most often another common aspect I have noticed of such men this is a
pattern He definitely will not be the first man in his family who is an
alcoholic or who is abusing the wife and child He most likely would be
imitating the PATTERN he has seen while growing His child if a boy will
learn to abuse and if a girl child will accept abuse as a part of life So
yes what’s the most important task we have is we have to break THIS
PATTERN so that no child of theirs takes this problem further in to their
future as an acceptable behavior

Take care I truly appreciate you and Neha taking an effort to help your
domestic help to overcome this issue I pray you find the right direction
for it

Take care
Love
Shanthi

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The only real help one can give is to empower the victim.
One should remember , the such life’s situations are ultimately a script chosen by all the beings involved.
Her Husabnd is playing a role which is necessary for her own Soul healing.
And real healing can only happen if she chooses to act in way which is conscious choice coming out of self love and not from a place of fear and judgment.
I would like to deliberate more on this , however , writing a long email seams pointless.
In summary , empower her to make choices which are aligned to self love , self respect.
Love and peace
Ram

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Thanks to all the valuable insights on this from @alpanaarha and @73Neetu

Dear V,

Thank you for sharing your experience and Darshana’s story. I am no expert in dealing with situations like this but I believe that people are the experts of their own life and exploring their ways of responding to situations like this in life is very important to make it visible that she did respond in a way that she knew best but what are some other ways to also respond to similar situations. Also I feel that regular conversations would be helpful in asking about her hopes and dreams for herself and her daughter. These conversations are very powerful as they help a person decide what they want to do and what they would need to do to reach there.

I also feel that we can do a PLRT session for her if she wants to explore her relationship with her husband since other things are beyond her control.

I hope that it’s helpful.

Warm regards,

Alpana Arha

Dear Venu
This is in response to ur todays mail on forum regarding abusive relationship due to alcoholism.
It seems like same story going around with majority house hold helps I am also in kind of similar situation.
Help is something we have to do as I feel the welfare of people who help us around in our daily functioning is also somewhere connected to our life.
It really makes a lot of difference as the people who work for us should be in healthy or balanced frame of mind (that should be our intent)
Time to time counseling of these help is must where they have to learn live with there life situation (as only there actions and decisions will bring that positive change in their lives).
Or else we will make them dependent on us.
we can empower, guide and support them making them feel special in their own way To build their level of courage.
For them it’s a feeling that someone is behind them.
(I make it a point to check with them if they r availing the welfare schemes run by govt if they don’t then I assist them with that)
I have experienced it makes a lot of difference.
As they have to fight their own battles.
To bring them out from the victim identity.
If it’s their karma and if we believe in laws of universe then we can’t even judge the alcoholic husband as he’s also a helpless man buried under his karmic debt. He’s only giving as per his sansakars.
And after attending Ankit’s spirit release session I really am not sure who is to be blamed in such situations.
We only need to check that any point of time we are not sympathetic.
If we operate from No Ego space I guess we will know what has to be done ……
I just hope this helps
We can just make a person who’s in distress not to loose his faith as after all it’s “HIS LIFE”
Love and Regards
Neetu

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Respect Venu
I think empowering the wife is very important and Self loving …
Only when she is strong she will be able to help her husband and her child

Mandeep