I’ve known SS as since July 2018. I started seeing her in my capacity as psychotherapist in April 2019. Discussed her issues. She was crying almost the entire time during that first sessions. She said she was depressed and lacked motivation to do anything in life. She has so much potential. People less capable than her were doing well in life. “what is happening to me? Why am I like this?” was her refrain.
Besides these, she sometimes had suicidal thoughts and she had a strong feeling that she had committed suicide in a past life time. She had recently read in a book that suicidal patterns get carried over from lifetime to lifetime. She was really troubled by this.
[I told her that breaking patterns or blindly trudging on is a choice people constantly make. The key to breaking the pattern lies in becoming aware of the thought processes that lead to these patterns.
I gave her a work sheet for thought record and asked her to note down her negative automatic thoughts.]
She started working on the thought journal but was not very regular.
When she heard that I was doing PLR, she volunteered to be client and I took her up on it.
Session 1: 1 3th March 2020 1.15 pm
Input Information: SS is a 28 - year old, smart looking, well dressed, advocate aspiring to be a judge. She has 2 older siblings – a brother and a sister. The sister is married. Neither the brother nor SS are interested in marriage.
She practices meditation, reads books, and watches movies in her free time. She’s neither an extrovert nor an introvert.
At the time of the session, she no longer had suicidal thoughts. She did not have any sleep problems.
I’d decided to quantify the healing and insights that people experience and so, after conveying this intention to SS and based on the presenting issues, I administered
- The Schutte Self Report Emotional Intelligence Test (SSEIT)
- Beck’s Depression Inventory
- Beck’s Anxiety Inventory
I also requested her permission to use the results as data for research on the effectiveness of PLR in healing.
- SSEIT -102 (average is 125)
- Beck’s Dep – 42 (a score of over 40 indicates extreme depression)
- Beck’s Anxiety – 18 (a score between 0-18 indicates low anxiety)
- Feeling of sadness for no reason at all
- Lack of motivation
- Not able to sustain relationships
SS: Since 3rd year of college motivation level went
T: What happened in 3rd year?
SS : Because I got low marks because I could not handle the pressure. I took pressure by choice because I was ambitious. Worked hard on CV but did not get any good internships. Most of my friends and roommates got good internship because they personally knew people. But I find it hard to ask people I know for favors (a pattern she needs to work on)
T: Why do you find it hard to ask favors from people?
SS : I don’t know. But since childhood I’ve never asked for favors. I was always treated by my family as someone who’s not smart. So, I feel that people always exploit… I am not able to have good friendly relationships with anyone. Unstable life - Unstable moods. (pattern)
I have difficulty expressing what I want (pattern)
At the end of pretalk
5 themes in need of exploration
- Feeling of sadness for no reason at all
- Lack of motivation
- Fear of conflict
- Not able to sustain relationships
- Difficulty expressing herself
- Difficulty in asking for favors
- Unstable moods
What is important to SS – high morals
Hooks – fear of conflict
Point of entry – difficulty in expressing herself
Pain point – feeling of sadness for no reason at all
Client details - SS,F,26+7/10,2/5,K,fear of conflict,10/10
Regression started at 16.20 PM
Abreactions at 5 pm. Opened her mouth to talk several times but not saying anything… tears…. Eye movement… movement of throat and jaws.
T: If you don’t want to experience this, lift your hand and we can call this off…
T: Allow yourself to go to a time in our past and pick out a memory that will help you resolve your current issues… that will help you heal… it will help you understand and grow… Allow yourself to remember it vividly with all your senses… you need to remember in order to heal… tell me what comes to your awareness…
SS: I am drowning.
T: Ok. LOOK AROUND YOU [obviously the wrong thing to say] What else comes to your awareness? Remember this is a memory… take a deep breath…You are safe here with me… this is a memory that will help you heal… now tell me what else comes to your awareness… Is somebody trying to save you?
T: Are you still struggling? What else comes to your awareness?
T : go back to an earlier time
SS: I see a terrace
T: which year is it
SS: 86 [this is interesting - it appears that she has committed in the lifetime prior to this. She was born in 1992]
T: which country ?
T: what is your age
T: How is it you were drowning?
SS: I jumped
T: where did you jump from?
SS: ( crying)
T: it’s okay to cry
SS: she has left me (crying)
T: was that why you drowned yourself?
T: are you male or female?
T: S ok, go back to the scene of your death… see yourself floating… What do you see?
T: Now, allow yourself to go into the light… what comes to your awareness?
T: How is your drowning related to your current life?
SS: the sadness
T: Now, allow yourself to go into the light. Tell me what comes into your awareness
(Emerged at 5.30 pm because SS felt heaviness and wanted to be emerged… gives a huge sigh… Took her back to the garden had her relax and heal and then emerged her)
SS: Body is so heavy
Integration after the session
T: did you go into a childhood memory
SS: I did… smiles and silence
SS after 15 minutes: body is still so heavy
T: The heaviness could be because of all the suppression. It’s basically a defense mechanism which helps at times of crisis. But at some point, you need to learn to let go.
SS: I physically experienced the drowning… (I was) not struggling going down, down, the water is blue… then, there’s darkness, then I see white light when you told me to go into the light. Then there’s nothing but the light… everything was light and there’s nothing… nothing but the light
T: Was that what you meant when you said nothing?
SS: Yes. You were asking me to go into a childhood memory. What I got was someone throwing water at my painting. But this thing never happened.
T: How old were you?
T: Then how can you tell it never happened?
SS: Yeah… I am not sure…
T: It must have been painful for a 3-year old
SS: In the garden I saw myself as a child. Also, I was trying to tell myself to remember my experiences.
T: Not a good idea. Remember what I told you during the pretalk, we are accessing material from your subconscious through your conscious mind. So, trying to tell yourself to remember might end up bringing your conscious mind to the forefront… this defeats the purpose of hypnosis.
T: Didn’t you physically experience the drowning? Did you forget that?
T: So, any idea which country you were in?
SS: Not India… somewhere northwest… maybe Afghanistan.
T: Any idea of who the girl was?
SS: I could see her shouting at me… she was angry…
(Answered a few more questions. Asked her to go back to the garden whenever she felt sad. Arranged to meet again by 11 am the next day and wound up our session.)
Session 2 14th March 2020 time 11.45 am
Regression – 12.10 am
T: Allow yourself to go back to the time from which your inability to express what you think and feel arises… It’s okay to let go… to let go completely… allow yourself to go back to the time from which your inability to express yourself arises… allow your mind to go to the cause… the roots…
SS: A warrior
T : a warrior, male or female?
SS : male
T: how old are you?
T: Where are you?
SS : (indistinct) … watching…
T: What are you watching? Are you looking for someone or something?
SS: People dying….
T: Why are people dying? [what’s happening- should have been my question] Are you in a battle?
(Long silence and abreactions)
T: What is your role in that?
SS: I am in the field watching…
T: Are you in the battle field?
T: Are you a soldier or the ruler?
SS: I am the captain
T: Which country are you in?
SS: Not India… somewhere … close to a border…
T: What’s your name?
SS: Something with R…
T: Do you see a year?
SS: Wearing something like a skirt. I can see my legs.
(abreactions… tears sliding down the sides of her face…)
SS: I left the battle field… People are still fighting…
T: Where did you go?
SS: Jungle. I am in a battle field. But I don’t feel like fighting and I go away into the jungle
T: Did you run away from the battle?
SS: No… Everyone dead…
T: How many survivors are there? How about your friends?
SS: My home has been destroyed.
T: Did you have a family?
T: Where’s your mother now?
SS: Mother dead.
T: What are your feelings?
SS: I am alone.
T: Go to an earlier time in that lifetime before the battle. Allow yourself to go to dinner time. See what you are eating.
SS: I see my Mother…
T: What are you eating?
SS: eating beans
T: What’s your relationship with your mother like?
SS: She’s loves me. I am happy
T: Now allow yourself to go to the time of your death in that lifetime and tell me what comes into your awareness
SS: 4 saints – 1 is my Guruji. I don’t know the others.
2 PM: (Emerged her after a brief healing time in the safe garden because SS started feeling physical discomfort from the battle wounds.)
After session integration
SS: I did not want to continue with the battle. So, I went into the jungle. I did see myself taking part and observing… but before that I was already wounded. I could feel the pain in my left kidney where somebody stabbed me. I don’t know why there was a battle. I could see myself observing. I was already wounded. I did not have any weapons because I did not feel like fighting.
I didn’t want to fight, but I could not say anything. Was a silent spectator
Did not die during the battle but died from stab wounds from the battle
One wound at the back, left side kidney and my arms…
T: Are you currently having any kidney problems?
SS: I remember it’s the same spot where they did dialysis when I was 12. The docs said that I may not survive. They told my mother to take me to Pune for treatment if they could afford it. I went into coma in the train. I had jaundice and malaria and was in Coma for 7 days. They did a kidney, liver and blood dialysis. I was in bed for a month. When I was in bed, I could see dead people in my family I’ve never met. [near death experience?] They were coming and talking with me.
T: Are you still having problem with kidney?
SS: I have digestion problem. Weak liver and fatigue.
T: How is the past life you just experienced related to your fear of conflict?
SS: I was a warrior and I could not say anything to anyone. I could not tell anyone that I am not willing to fight…
T: I think this lifetime might be worth further exploration.
SS: Felt so relaxed, so calm… I saw someone in the garden… I think one of my gurus … Everyone I see in my flashes are also silent. Guruji opened his eyes and smiled and was not telling me something relevant… I was getting frustrated.
T: (Place name). Why did that come up?
SS: I did say that. I don’t know why. I’ve never been there.
T: What wear you wearing?
SS: Very less clothes… something like skirt at the bottom…I was not carrying any weapons because I did not want to fight.
Lunch break 45 minutes
Regression at 3.30 PM
T: what do you see?
SS: Light… Merging into the light…
T: What are you feeling?
SS: Feeling complete…The light is in my brain.
T: Are you comfortable with it?
T: Allow it to spread through your body. Feel it in every cell, every nerve, every fiber, every muscle, every thought… feel it in your heart… Experience the healing… You are back in the garden… tell me what comes into your awareness?
SS : I don’t exist anymore
T: What makes you say that?
SS: Because I don’t have a physical form
T: Are you just consciousness or do you feel you don’t exist because of the merger?
SS: I am just consciousness
T: Now, allow your consciousness to take you back to the time from which your fear of conflict arises…
SS: A small boy…
T: How old is the boy?
T: What is he doing?
SS: Making something with paper outside the house… I can hear my parents fighting inside the house
T: What is he wearing
SS: A white gown
T: It is bedtime?
T: What country is it?
T: Which year is it?
T: Go to the dinner table
SS: Father and mother are fighting…. He’s questioning her character… not sure if it’s about fidelity… Father poisoned mother and the child… added poison to the soup… I can feel the poison going into my body… It’s hurting me… I feel something like all my internal organs are bleeding.
T: What else comes to your awareness?
SS: The father sitting and crying.
T: What happens to the child?
SS: The child’s soul is going near the river by the house… An old man… taking the soul of the child. The child does not have left leg…
(She started feeling physically uncomfortable. Emerged her after taking her back into the garden for healing.)
After session integration
I feel this is related to my fear of conflict. Always see myself as a child of 9 or 10 in the garden not as an adult
Session 3: 16th March 2020 Time 1 PM
Theme : the decided upon theme was to pick up from the previous session and discover what happened to the soul of the child who was poisoned by his dad.
Started regression after enquiring about her general well-being. SS kept falling asleep. She was not able to access any past life experiences. Emerged her after a couple of hours. Both of us were disappointed because we were hoping for some revelations and insights. But nothing happened.
After Session Integration : Turns out that SS had very little sleep the previous night as her cat went into labor. She had a cup of coffee just before coming for the session. [note to self -compile a list of do’s and don’ts for future clients]
Did not want to waste the time she’d given me. So, I gave her a list of cognitive distortions and requested her to go through them.
Of the 12 distortions in the list, SS said she was actively using 10.
We revisited the Thought Record assignment I had given her long back and discussed how it would help identify automatic thoughts and associated cog distortions and how they can be reframed constructively. She promised to do that and left. The next appointment is fixed for April 5th.
Feedback (thru messaging) from client 10 days after the session – 25th March 2020
T: SS, I have a few questions for you
SS: I am doing the thought record more often
T: Good. Is it helping?
SS: Yes, I am understanding what not to be said and done. Now, not doing n saying is work on progress.
T: You said the initial pain level was 10 at the start of the 1st session. Any change in that now.
SS: Pain level is the same. My procrastination n laziness is unresolved. So, the reason of all the pain is still there. But the good part is now I have realization. I’m slowly slowly . Working in very small things.
T: Great SS. That is definitely progress.
SS: I SEE HOPE
T: That’s really good
SS: I am hopeful that life can be lived. It’s not dat difficult n most of the things r self-created also.
SS: Hmmm… Now execution has to be done.
T: Knowing is the first step… Understanding is next… Now you can work on becoming… Most people know but don’t understand. You’ve crossed that hurdle. Now, moving forward is just a choice away.
SS: I agree… I will work… I’m locked in home till 17th.
T: Positive side of the lockdown… Any change in your problems with digestion?
SS: Yes, I feel hungry sometimes, which hardly happened in the past
T: Since the dialysis, did you stop feeling hungry?
SS: I never used to feel hungry.
T: Do you see any change in your attitude however subtle that might be? It’s now almost 2 weeks since the sessions. That’s 2 weeks to practice the thought reframing exercise. -)
SS: Yes, I am constantly monitoring the thought n could understand the natural consequences of it.
T: Any changes in how you feel mood wise?
SS: I feel satisfied bcz whatever is happening, I believe has a reason. As in not questioning y it is happening. How can I mitigate little little to make myself feel alright?
T: Can you do the Beck’s depression inventory and the EI test once again?
SS: Yes. But the result might not change a lot. Bcz I’m carrying things inside since last 28 years.
T: I am not expecting anything -) Just trying to quantity improvement if any.
SS: Okay. (she filled the inventory and added up the scores…) There is great change. Her post test score is 21 (21-30 moderate depression). Compare this to her pre-test score of 42 (extreme depression).
T: Wow! SS, that’s amazing.
There’s not much of a difference in her Emotional Intelligence score. 103 as opposed to pre-test score of 102. She now seeks out activities that make her happy.
The next session is scheduled for after the Corona virus pandemic subsides.