Session 1 Tuesday 21st January 2020
10.30 to 1.30 am
- Fear of losing his mind and starts feeling panicked used to take Rystyl or Valium to calm himself
- Cannot sleep without sleeping pills; been on sleeping pills since 1983
During College Days
- I used to drink at 10 am in the morning
- Used to take Dexitrine to remain awake during class
- 125 mg of Prodome at night to fall asleep
- Used to feel like that all the time
- Right from a young age (KG or I std) I had kleptomania (not exactly) robbing age about -5-6 it started.
- Even today, the urge is there. But I don’t do it.
- If I find some money lying around, there’s only 10% chance that I won’t take it.
- Started smoking when in class 8
- Most of the time fear of losing my mind comes only when I am smoking. I just discard my cig and walk away.
- Since a year and a half, the fear of losing my mind when I smoke is completely absent
- In 1983, took Marijuana just one time. I can still recall it very vividly. There was Kumba abishekam at Kondareddipalayam temple. Everyone was there. I was alone at home sleeping. That was the first time when the fear of losing my mind started.
- I had the feeling that I will go mad. It was a terrible experience. It has made me so paranoid that I never ever did it again.
- I am a fatalist. I strongly believe in fate and so, I don’t worry about anything… at times I feel that if I had not had the fear of losing my mind… I want you to understand this clearly… Something has made that happen… because only then I would have stopped. If not, I would have gone to the next level of drug abuse. I feel very strongly that this has happened for a purpose.
- No amount of sloshing helps me sleep at night unless I take my sleeping pills
- I wait for evening so I can take large 60 ml of alcohol neat everyday
Fear of Losing my Mind
- Has reduced by leaps and bounds. But, if you take off my sleeping pills, I can assure you that I will lose my mind
- Because, my insomnia started because of fear of losing my mind
- Percentage of fear has come down by about 20% now
- If I go mad, I will go violently mad. There is so much of violence inside of me
- These days, the fear pops up every now but only when I am idle
How is the Fear of Losing your Mind Affecting your Life?
The line between fear of going mad and actually becoming mad is very thin. I have a feeling that I am in the beginning stages of Dementia
Fantasy of being (being as opposed to becoming) rich… actually living in my daydreams… I become violent…hero like…I have daydreams of becoming a rich and famous hero.
Howls in his sleep for 2 reasons
- When I see a snake in his dream
- When I am trying to chase thieves, who have entered the house
Apart from the howling for these reasons, no nightmares. [My dad too used to do this (?)]
Night sleep is drug induced since 1983 – 2 mg of Rystyl
Afternoon sleep is like a shot in the arm… I sleep well on days off without taking any medications
If only I could sleep naturally, everything in my life would change
History of Mental Illness on Father’s side
My mama and grandmother went crazy at [what age?]… Maybe Alzheimer’s… so, he’s now more and more afraid that he too might become like that
Two of his cousins committed suicide
1 cousin was born mad (mental retardation) drowned when he was 18. Impaired speech and one never knew when he would remove his clothes and walk around naked. There is speculation that the cousin’s parents had him murdered.
Another cousin is functioning normally only because he is taking psychiatric medication since the last 7-8 years.
- Had suicidal intention for 2-3 days in extreme depression (when?)
- I could almost feel the weight of depression.
Self-Limiting Beliefs – none
[I am a selfish person. I don’t love anybody]
Key People in Life
- 4 friends
- Yogesh (nephew)
- Doctor mama (maternal uncle)
- when I was on the brink of committing suicide, I walked right into my MD’s office and told him. He smilingly let me vent (as opposed to acting grim) and then referred me to a psychiatrist
- friends are close knit
Other Points that came up
- I am a very selfish guy. I don’t love anyone
- I do my duty. That’s it
- Only now I realize that love is very important
- Abnormal sex drive – fantasize a lot
- Very negative attitude
- I use a lot of expletives when I am in the company of people I am comfortable with
- Last 7 months, had stopped drinking, smoking, or taking non-veg (Sabarimalai). Started again
- My anxiety is purely work related (good stress?)
- I am a religious person not spiritual
- Driving rashly these days… says could be because of the anti-depressant
Been on sleeping pills since 1983
Went to a psychiatrist for depression in 2014
Sekar, M, 62, 5, 4, A, Fear of Losing My Mind, 8
Pain Level: 8
Session 2: 7.15 pm
C: Dad was driving a lorry. I was so amazed that he was driving such a huge vehicle and I wanted to get in with him but I couldn’t…
Eating a boiled egg with my father. Every time he has eggs, he gives one to me, it’s cooked on the electric stove in the bedroom, my dad used to love eating it and me too. My mother used to be around us touching nothing…
T: How old were you?
My sisters were not around on that day
I’ve never shared this with my sisters (the eggs) …
I remember writing the 1st letter (Tamil letter of the alphabet) aa, on paddy…
With Gopalakrishnan Iyer in front of me and it happened outside the main door… and that place is sort of a small landing when you step out of the door supported by a huge pillar… he made me write it again and again and it felt dreadful…
C: Because every time I wrote ah it was a mirror image and not the proper aa…
I remember after that going to the local very, very faint memory… remember the outside of the school close the Vinayagar temple…. It was in KR Palayam. I don’t know the reason why I went there… But I think it was only for a day or 2… I think…
I remember the Petti Vandai… it used to be parked and rotting for years… and Appaji’s father (S’s dad’s younger brother) would stand behind the broken wall on the other side… That was his smoking spot. What I …
He had a fantastic bull… every day he used to take it for a walk and he loved that bull more than himself… He was not married then… he used to take care of it like his own son…
T: How old are you?
C: Maybe 3.5
It is very vivid in my mind…
I was there… on the porch… watching him… take the bull for a walk…
I remember going in a bus with my father… my first journey on a bus…we were seated right behind the driver and I don’t remember where we were going… but throughout the journey, he was chatting with the driver…
My mom carrying a pot of water from the backyard… just before entering the back door skidded and fell… I think nothing happened to her… To say this to my dad, I ran from the back yard to the front porch… he was with all relatives and friends sitting there… with 10 or 12 people and I told him that mom fell down, and he bashed me up for no reason at all…and I ran inside… and my mom took me in her folds and … even now, I am able to feel the amount of love she had for me.
[He stopped here and had intense abreactions and started crying]
T: It’s okay to cry
C: In between sobs. The intensity of her love is so strong… I can feel it even now…
T: I understand…
C: Why is it that I never realized how much she loved me… all I gave her in return was trouble… I never reciprocated that love…
[At this point I was handling both my own emotions and his. The client is my cousin. His mom is my aunt. My aunt and my grandmother were the only 2 persons who loved me without anything in return when I was a kid. They just loved. Difficult to come across that kind of love. His sobbing was affecting me very deeply as well. I wanted a few minutes to myself. So, with his permission, I emerged him.]
T: [after emerging him] You can now gently open your eyes if you want to.
He slowly opened his eyes and was reflective for a few minutes.
T: You can sit up if you want to
He sat up slowly
C: That was intense
T: Yes. It was. Would you like to drink some water?
[brought him a drink of water and then left him to himself for about 15 minutes]
Age regression ended at 8.24
After Session Discussion Integration
C: Only now when I remembered the love my mother felt for me, I am wondering whether I ever reciprocated any of that. I’ve never thought of it that way before (more tears flowing down his cheeks). If you had not emerged me, I would have broken down completely.
I’ve never felt this much of emotion before…
[It appears that some kind of flood gate to his childhood memories from that period when his mom enfolded him and he felt the intensity of her love. He started talking… it went on intermittently until 10.40 p.m. Most of the time he was reflective]
Nights only dad and Gopalakrinan Iyer will talk for more than an hour. He used to sing so softly so as not to disturb others
We had a radio. That huge box… you know…
We had a Valve GEC… even now I can now recall it vividly.
I can still vividly see it before my eyes…
Feedback from client: I had some trouble walking down the staircase and opening the door
Reason : “During PR, you said ‘as if you were in a bubble’. I was in the bubble floating until you said, ‘visualize yourself walking down the staircase’. I think the word ‘floating’ will be even more effective.
I could not see myself in the garden. I did hear the birds chirruping and the rustling of the leaves. You did not say anything about squirrels. But I did hear them. I have seen a lot of beautiful gardens and I really like them. But I could not see anything.”
T: Would you prefer a beach?
C: Yeah, beaches, mountains…
T: Can we try a beach for your safe place next time?
C: We can certainly try that. I saw a cluster of 4-5 Mongol faces… looking at a new born baby. I was not able to distinguish the gender.
T: When did this happen?
C: I don’t remember at what point, but it was a few minutes after we started
T: I told you to lift up your right hand when you start seeing something, remember?
C: You did. But I thought you were supposed to finish the process…
T: Every experience as they come up… Now you know that you can stop me anytime during the process to let me know what you see. What else did you see?
C: Blank flat sheet of Tissue gold color completely in my field of vision lasting about a minute. It was so nice and blissful that I was trying to hold on to it. I did not want to listen to your instructions then.
T: Again remember, the next time, all you need to do to stop me is to lift your right hand.
C: Now I understand exactly what you meant by it.
(long reflective pause)
C: I am baffled as to why they did it outside the house (the ceremony for writing the first time -akshadaabishegam). They usually do this inside the house… Unfortunately, all the people who could have answered this question are all dead…
T: Any idea why your uncle’s smoking spot came up?
C: That’s the amazing thing. I am asking myself that as well. The impression I got is that I was not supposed to be there. I was a little one and I think I slipped away without my parents being aware. He was looking around as if wondering how come I am by myself and telling me to go back home.
C: I am amazed that I remembered the thing with his bull and his passion for the bull. The images were vivid. People used to bring their cows to mate with his bull…
The most amazing thing is how the intensity of mom’s love hit me. She just enfolded me and was asking dad, “How can you bash up such a little child?” I still feel the intensity of her love…
T: There’s something you can do with all that love
C: Like? I never reciprocated her love. As I told you already, I am a selfish person.
T: Ok, let’s try this. Do you still feel that love?
T: If you were to give it color, what color would it be?
C: Tissue gold
T: Now, turn all that love into a beautiful globe of tissue gold and let it merge into your heart… Whenever you feel low or depressed you can draw comfort from this love…
C: I’ll definitely try that.
T: Let’s continue the session after dinner.
C: I’d rather we don’t. You did tell me to try not to drink alcohol or smoke. But I had a neat after lunch and I badly need a smoke right now. During my next session, I want my system to be free of alcohol and nicotine. Let me know when you are coming to Chennai next.
C: I slept really well. Usually, when I wake up early in the morning, to go to the restroom, I can’t go back to sleep. But today, I went right back to sleep and slept for a couple of hours.
T: On a scale of 1 to 10, where would you put your pain level this morning?
C: Considering that I really slept well, I would say 3.
T: Can you send me weekly updates of your sleep pattern. Also, I want you to maintain a journal where you can maintain a daily record of your dreams and about how you feel when you wake up in the morning and at night when you go to bed.
You can draw strength from your mother’s love that you have stored in your heart… first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
C: Yes. That’s doable. Sorry I made you come here and then wasted your time
T: Every situation is a learning opportunity for all the parties involved.
C: Talk to Sundari (his elder sister) she might have something to tell you about my childhood
[spoke to her. One of the really interesting things that came up was: “Once when he was around 4, he wrapped a long jute string (flaming) around his younger sister’s neck… I still can’t figure out how the idea even popped into his head”]
“C” called me on the 31st Jan. There were several missed calls. When I finally called him back,
C: “Do dreams matter?”
T: They certainly do
C: Then I had a dream while sleeping this afternoon. I was walking around the streets of Delhi. Suddenly it was Delhi some 400 years ago…
He was super excited. He narrated 2 of what appeared to be past life memories. Since I was travelling and was not getting proper signal,
T: Please voice record the experience and send it across to me
C: There is no need. I will never ever forget. They were very vivid.
T: I insist
C: Okay. I am really excited about this. We are getting somewhere.
We’ve set up his next appointment for 17th Feb
The part about giving his mother’s love a colour… was thanks to Lovey’s recall of Venu’s session with one of my batchmates.