Short history: A 31 Y/O married male, (Name changed in the report below), a professional working in an MNC, came with his concern of being in a womanly role, dressing like a woman, and feeling like a woman. He used to feel like a female since he was 5 years of age. Gradually his feelings intensified, and he used to be distressed when he couldn’t be in that role whenever he wanted. He used to feel peaceful when he used to dress up in a saree with all the ornaments. He used to feel distressed when he felt that people would not understand him of his needs. His wife understood him but she also felt distressed of his needs.
He had taken many psychotherapeutic sessions and visited Psychiatrists since many years, but never got significant relief. And he found himself tussled in between the male and female aspects. His distress was at a very severe level when he came for the session.
He was dressed in a saree during the whole pre talk period.
A total of 3 sessions were done. 1st and 2nd session on consecutive days. 3rd session after 2 weeks
Theme: Need to be in a womanly role. Pain Score: 10/10 (Actually more than 10 was his response). Hypnotisability score: 8/10, Eye roll: 2; Visual (5)/Auditory (5)/Kinaesthetic (8)
Other major issues were Helplessness (pain score 8); and Dissatisfaction with his life (pain score 7)
Many of his responses were in Hindi, which I have translated in English (Translation is in brackets).
Session 1:
Progressive relaxation: around 45 minutes
Cosmic induction: 10 minutes
Dave elman: around 40 minutes
A: Pathar hai sir pe (Big stone over my head)
Headache hai
T: How are you feeling?
A: Pyaar chahiye (Need love)
T: Kisse pyaar chahiye? (From whom do you need love)
A: Mummy se pyaar (from my mother)
Mummy ko asthma tha, mere aane ke baaad (Mother had asthma, after I was born)
Unse pyaar nahi mila (Didn’t receive love from her)
T: Kya unhe asthma ho gaya isliye pyaar nahi mila ya koi aur kaaran bhi ho sakta hai? (Was asthma the reason of not receiving love from her, or there could be any other reason?)
A: Koi aur kaaran bhi ho sakta hai (There could be any other reason)
Sir pe pathar rakh diya hai (Have kept a big stone over my head)
It’s a self inflicted pain
Khud se pathar maara hai (Have hurt myself with the stone)
Relaxation se jaaega nahi (It will not go with relaxation)
{Asked to move to childhood memories}
1st childhood memory:
A: Mummy ghar mein hain (Mother is at home)
Baahar verandah hai (There is verandah outside)
Papa hain (Father is there)
Mai idhar udhar ghum raha hu (I am roaming here and there)
T: How much old are you?
A: 7-8 years
T: Aur kya ho raha hai wahan? (What else is happening there)
A: Peeche kuch tension hai mummy papa ke beech mein (There is some tension in the background between mother and father)
Ghar me balance nahi hai (There is no balance in the house)
Ek balance hona chahiye (There should be a balance)
T: Kya balance nahi hai? (What balance is not there?)
A: Papa mummy pe gussa ho rahe hain (Father is getting angry over mother)
T: To balance kaise aa sakta hai? (Then how could a balance come?)
A: If I am a girl, to balance ho jaaega (If I am a girl, then balance will occur)
T: Aur kya ho raha hai? (What else is happening?)
A: Mai idhar udhar ghum raha hu (I am roaming here and there)
What I want is ye sab kyu kar rahe hain log? Jo chahte hain, wo bol nahi paate (What I want is, why are people doing all this? What they want, they can’t speak)
I don’t like the structure
T: Aur kya dikh raha hai? (What else are you able to visualize?)
A: Dada Dadi hain room mein (Grandpa and grandma are there in the room)
T: How are you feeling?
A: Sir dard hai (There is a headache)
Hum log kaam kar rahe hain par kya ho raha hai pata nahi (We are working, but what is happening, I don’t know)
{No sense of purpose}
Bandhe hue hain sabhi (Everyone is bounded)
T: Kis cheez se bandhe hue? (What are they bounded with?)
A: Dissatisfaction se bandhan hai (Bounded with dissatisfaction)
T: kise dissatisfaction hai? (Who is dissatisfied?)
A: Sablog dissatisfied hain. Papa se leke mummy tak (Everyone is dissatisfied, father, mother)
One person binds the entire family
Hum kyu bandhe hain? (Why are we bounded?)
2nd Childhood memory
A: I am happy
My hair is long
T: How old are you?
A: 3 years
I can do whatever I want
I have a genuine smile on my face
My brother plays with me
T: How are you feeling?
A: Achcha lag raha hai (Feeling good)
T: Aur kaun hai wahan? (Who else is there?)
A: Dada Dadi hain (Grandpa and grandma are there)
Mummy nahi dikh rahin (Mother is no where to be seen)
I am playing something…I like to do it
There is no structure / schedule, jaisa pehle the
T: How are you feeling?
A: I am feeling free
I don’t feel girly, but I have long hairs
I like the way I look
Mummy abhi dikh rahin (Mother is visible now)
Mummy kuch bana rahi hain…dahi bade (Mother is making something…dahi bade)
Mera bhai hai (My brother is there)
We are actually playing
T: Kaisa lag raha hai? (How are you feeling?)
A: Achcha lag raha (Feeling good)
3rd childhood memory
Papa mummy hain (Mother and father are there)
Mummy papa ko ladies ki tarah dress kar rahin (Mother is dressing father like a lady)
Not sure if its true
T: How old are you?
A: Don’t know
I can see them from the far on the bed
They are dressing up
T: How are you feeling?
A: Odd…Ye kya ho raha hai?! (Odd…What is happening?!)
Womb experience:
A: I am drowning
Im in the womb
Jagah hi nahi hai kuch (There is no space)
I want to breath
Its not my place to be
I want to be going across the sea
Fighting the sales
What am I doing?!
That was the plan
Daily fighting with death
T: What does it mean?
A: Doing the most dangerous things possible {extra effort}
Exploring new things
Jumping from there
Seeing everything
What I am even doing there?!
I should be commando from paramilitary force
That is what I want to do
Can you imagine jumping from the helicopter?
T: What else are you feeling?
A: I want to fight
T: Fight with whom?
A: With anyone
T: What could be the reason for you to want to fight anyone?
A: There will be danger, there will be fun
I want to walk on the edge of the cliff
I am just afraid of just everything in this life
Why have I come here?
This is not the place
I am seeing a video of para commando force
Only trained soldiers
Not everyone is able to complete the training
T: What could be the reason for them not being able to complete the training?
A: Because that is the statistics
I have to do that
T: What makes you want to do that?
A: Someone has to do the work
Why not me
T: What else are you feeling?
A: There is no woman in this house
Then why can’t I be the woman?
T: Asked to meet a guide or the higher being in the garden
A: Shiv hain (Lord Shiva is there)
T: What is he saying?
A: You have to let go of the fear
Jisko jo karna hai karo (Whatever one wants can do)
Why am I still afraid of a broken head?
Because I don’t have guts to fight
Adiyogi
You can’t get what you don’t deserve
You deserve to fight then how can you become something else?
T: Who is saying this?
A: I am saying this
It is the fear
Let us fight for anything what is worth fighting {? Fighting with extra effort}
{Says about a famous persons quote on “ Be a crocodile “}
{Guided towards tunnel, forest path then ancient temple
Meets the guide}
T: Who is the guide?
A: Guide is the TV anchor
He was Dronacharya in Mahabharatha
T: What do you experience?
A: There is a temple
I am on the top of it
T: Which deity temple is it?
A: Don’t know, shayad Sherawali (Don’t know, maybe Goddess Sherawali i.e Durga)
Guided towards the door to the core
Gets nauseated feeling, feeling to vomit, doesn’t see anyone else, but there are dead bodies
Asked to come back to the corridor, guided for breathing and relaxation.
Wants to go inside the door again
T: What do you experience?
A: Mass genocide
Building and whole empty land
This is the cycle of life
What am I doing here?!
There is a higher goal you are connected to
And you can continuously make an impact
I am so many people
I am a man and a woman
Not one of them is trying to attach god
We are aimless
Wandering here and there
T: What do those people want?
A: They want me to lead them
T: How can you lead them?
A: Spirituality is the only way I know
But I also want to go and fight
What will I learn?
What do I want?
Everyone has always run away from fighting
We are afraid of a broken head
If they fight, they will get their head broken
So what do I do then?
Do I lead them to a broken head (,?) {some words not clear}
Or maybe I tell them how to repair a broken head
So, if im broken, its fine
Come on yaar, itna time tumhare paas tha (Come on yaar, you had so much of time)
T: What else are you experiencing?
A: It’s a war field
There are many deaths
Deaths of human
What was my role in this?
Did I cause a mass genocide?
Bhagwan Ram did
Entire rakshas jaati was dead
Is it a fight in the hell
We will fight because we want to fight
It’s a fight
Fights are ugly but we do it
And we cannot stop it
It is not small for me
T: What fight is not small for you?
A: We are fighting this because it is in our blood
We fight because we are fighters
I don’t want to fight anymore
I am done with these bloody scenes
I don’t want to fight
But I ran away from it
T: When did you run away?
A: In the womb
If I don’t want to fight, I can still be here
Gods destroy people
Death is not death for them
But what does it mean for me?
T: You can ask from your higher self or any deity
A: The only thing is hard work
A long way
T: Who is saying this?
A: Shiv
Why is my core so rotten
A vibe is coming for planting a tree
{Asked to give the rotten feeling a structure}
A: dustbin
It’s a black ball
{Asked to throw the black ball into white light completely transforming it into white light, which he visualizes as being transmuted into white light coming from the third eye of Shiv Ji}
T: How are you feeling?
A: Better
Then brought back through the same pathway.
2nd session:
Progressive relaxation: around 50 minutes
Cosmic induction: around 15 minutes
Dave elman: around 45 minutes
A: Mai ek ladki hu (I am a girl)
{Asked something}
T: Tumhe saare jawab apne andar se milenge (You will get all your answers from within you)
{Asked to visualize or imagine Ankit as a child and experience what he is feeling}
A: Upar se sab thik hai (Everything is fine)
Shayad us samay use koi problem hi nahi thi (Maybe at that time, he didn’t have any problem)
T: Kitne saal ka hai wo? (How old is he?)
A: 4-5 saal ka (4-5 years old)
T: Kya use pata hai ki wo ladki hai ya ladka? (Is he aware that he is a boy?)
A: Use lag raha hai ki wo ladki hi hai (He feels that he is a girl)
Mai hamesha se ladki hi hu (I have always been a girl)
Tum ladke kab bane? (When did you become a boy?) {asking from 4 year old Ankit}
T: Ankit ke us bachpan pe jaao jab use ye laga ki wo ladki hai (You can go to Ankits’ childhood when he realized that he is a girl)
A: Bada Ankit hai jise problem hai (Big Ankit has the problem)
T: Kitna bada hai wo? (How old is he)
A: 7th-8th class mein (In 7th-8th grade)
Maa… (Mother) {addresses me as mother}
T: Use kabse lagna shuru hua ki wo ladka hai? (When did he realize that he is a boy?)
A: Jabse papa ne bataya ki padhai karna kitna important hai (Since father told us that studying is so very important)
Jabse padhai pe daant padne lagi (Since we used to get scoldings for studying)
Pehle to mai ladki hi tha (Before that, I was a girl only)
Tum ladki ho ya ladka? (Are you a girl or a boy?) {Asks his childhood version}
Use ladki ki tarah rehne ka bada man hai (He wants to live like a girl)
4-5 saal waale ko nahi pata ki wo ladki hai ya ladka (The 4-5 year old Ankit doesn’t know if he is a girl or a boy)
But andar se feeling hai ki wo ladki hai (But he has a feeling from inside that he is a girl)
T: 4-5 saal se pehle waale Ankit mei jaayen (You can go to the point when Ankit was 4-5 years old)
A: I was dressed up in a frock type, bindi hai, bade baal hain (I was dressed up in a frock type, with Bindi, long hairs)
I am smiling
T: Kitne saal ke ho? (How old are you?)
A: 2 saal ki dikh rahi …ya dhai (She is two or two and a half years old)
T: Pucho ki wo ladki hai ya ladka? (You can ask if he is a girl or a boy?)
A: Mai mummy jaisi hi hu (I am like my mother)
T: Use kaise lag raha hai ki wo mummy jaisi hai? (How is she feeling that she is like her mother?)
A: Matlab papa to aisa kuch karte nahi hain (Meaning, my father doesn’t do anything like this)
Bindi
Jaisi mummy, waisi mai (like mother, like me)
Bade Ankit ko use dikkat hoti thi (Older Ankit had problem with that)
Mummy ne kaha tha (Mother had said)
But use sach mei pucho…to uska bhi man karta ladki jaisa rehne ka (But if asked him the truth…then he also wanted to live like a girl)
T: Kaun achcha lagta hai, Mummy ya Papa? (Whom do you like? Mother or father?)
A: Mummy
Mummy dhyan rakhti hain (Mother takes care of me)
T: Kya papa utna dhyan nahi rakhte? (Father doesn’t take care of you?)
A: Papa bhi rakhte hain (Father also cares)
T: Chote Ankit ko Mummy ya Papa, kisse zyada pyar milta hai? (Younger Ankit receives loves from mother or father?)
A: Mummy (Mother)
T: Kya chota Ankit Mummy ki tarah banna chahta hai? (Does younger Ankit want to become like his mother?)
A: Mummy ki tarah hai (He is like his mother)
T: Kya chota Ankit papa ki tarah bhi hai? (Is chota Ankit also like his father?)
A: Nahi (No)
I am soft
Papa soft nahi hain (Father is not soft)
T: Kya chote Ankit ko papa se pyar chahiye? (Does younger Ankit require love from his father?)
A: Nahi, hai pehle se (No, it is already there)
But shayad saath mein khelne ka time kam hai (But, maybe there is less time to play together with)
T: Kya chote Ankit ko papa ke saath aur khelne ka man karta hai? (Does younger Ankit want to play more along with his father?)
A: Patanahi (Don’t know)
T: Kya chote Ankit ko pata hai ki wo ladke ke shareer mein hai? (Does younger Ankit know that he is in the body of a boy?)
A: Usko pata nahi (He doesn’t know)
Mummy keh rahi hain pyaari si ladki hai (Mother is saying, that she is a cute girl)
Papa is slightly uncomfortable ki mai ladki ki tarah dressed up hu (Father is slight uncomfortable that I am dressed up like a girl)
There is problem in dressing like a girl
T: Papa se kya kehna chahega Ankit? (What does Ankit want from his father?)
A: Papa, mai achchi hu (Papa, I am good)
T: Chote Ankit ko pyaar do, acceptable mehsus karao (You can give love to Amit, and make him feel acceptable)
A: Tumhaare paas ek achcha sa shareer hai (You have such a good body)
Tumhe koi dikkat nahi aayegi (You will not have any problem)
Tum bahut sundar ho (You are very beautiful)
Hamare ghar mein logo ka pyaar dur hai (Everyones’ love is far away from each other in our house)
Ek dhundh hai beech mein (There is a mist in between)
T: Kaisa dhundh? (What mist?)
A: Pata nahi (Don’t know)
T: Us dhundh ko emotion ka naam dena chahoge to kya hoga wo? (If you would like to give a name to that emotion, what would it be?)
A: Fear…slight fear
T: Kis cheez ka fear? (Fear of what?)
A: Acceptibility ka (Of acceptability)
U are a fighter
Tum bahut achche bachche ho (You are a very good child)
T: 7-8th class waale Ankit ko bol sakte ho jo bolna chahte ho (You can say anything you want to the 7th-8th grade Ankit)
A: Tumhare paas ladke ka shareer hai (You have the body of a boy)
Lekin dil ladki ka hai (But your heart is of a girl)
There is always goodness of qualities of a girl
T: Kya qualities hoti hain ladki ka? (What are the qualities of a girl?)
A: Ladke ka kaam hai, manly quality hai, ki humein sahi direction mein jaana hai (The role of a male is for quality, to lead us to the right direction)
Ladki ki qualities hai, ki hum Jahan hain, wahi sahi hai (The qualities of a female is that we are right wherever we are)
T: Chota Ankit kya kehna chahta hai? (What does younger Ankit wish to say)
A: He says that life ahead will be difficult
T: Aisa kehne ka kya kaaran ho sakta hai? (What could be the reason to say like this?)
A: Because he is not in sync
He cannot……? {some words not clear}
T: Tum ladki hoti to kya karti? (What would you have done if you were a girl?)
A: I can talk, smile as I want
T: What could be the reason that you cannot talk and smile as you are now?
A: It is difficult
Kyu lag raha hai ye karna hai (Why does it feel that this has to be done?)
This body is not made for smiling
T: Aisa lagne ka kya kaaran ho sakta hai? (What could be the reason to feel this way?)
A: Ye nahi jaan….? (Not this…?) {some words not audible clearly)
T: Chote Ankit ko acceptable feel karaoge? Ya jo bhi kehna hai wo kahoge? (Would you like to make younger Ankit feel comfortable? Or you can say to him whatever you want?)
A: You are completely acceptable to me, but not to the whole world
T: Kya use bhi yehi lagta hai? (Does he also feel the same?)
A: He goes towards brain freeze
{Asked to embrace him and give complete love and then move ahead}
{Asked to visualize him as his father and understand his perspective}
A: Papa …{The feelings of Papa} : Nothing is going in right direction
He also feels he must be somewhere else
Doing much better
T: What would you like to say to Papa?
A: Papa, it is okay
It is more than enough
You don’t need to stretch out for anything more
What we have is more than enough
All you need is to be calm and happy
Papa, dn worry, ease out, pls let go the tension
Papa, let go of the tension
T: Kaisa lag raha hai ab papa ke liye? (How are you feeling for your father now?)
A: Papa ke liye abhi different perspective hai (There is a different perspective for father now)
Humein us tarah se nahi jeena (We don’t have to live like that)
We all can let go off the tension
{Then asked to visualize himself in the form of his mother to understand her perspective}
A: Mummy ke paas bahut saari problems hain (Mother has a lot of problems)
T: Kya problems hain? (What problems?)
T: Ek to papa ne bahut rules bana rakha hai (One is that my father has made a lot of rules)
She just doesn’t understand what she is doing
T: Unhe kya samajhne ki zarurat hai? (What does she have to understand?)
A: Tricky sa case hai (It’s a tricky case)
T: Kya case hai? (What is the case?)
A: She is not that self aware
She is not having idea that this much tension has no sense at all
She wants it corrected
She also wants love
T: Kisse love chahiye? (Whom does she want love from?)
A: Papa se aur (With my father and)
Apne papa se (from her own father)
Papa ki personality aur mummy ki match nahi karti (The personalities of my father and mother don’t match)
T: Jo bhi tumhara mummy ke saath experience raha, uska kaaran kya ho sakta hai? (Whatever your experience with your mother has been, what could be the reason of it all?)
A: Kisi ne dice pheka, and they came together, no harmony (Someone threw the dice, and they came together, no harmony)
Sab itne pareshan the to kisi aur ko, bachcho ko pyaar kaha de paaoge! (Everyone had their own problems, so how could they give love to their children?!)
T: To ab kya kehna chahoge mummy se? (Then what would you like to say to your mother now?)
A: Calm down first, then look around, what and why people are doing
She needs help, so what I have to understand in this? {asks himself}
What are the things she is trying to do and can’t see
But there are things that she can see and she is trying to do
She can see us
She wants us to be happy
She can’t see papa’s feelings
She tries to manage it, but she can’t see them
T: What would you like to communicate to her?
A: You are afraid of so many things
You should not let your life be dictated by those fears
T: Aur kuch kehna chahoge? (Anything else you would like to say to her?)
A: We can see the love and also the fear, Both of us should reject the fear and keep love
T: Can you embrace her and forgive her for everything that you feel was not fulfilled by her?
A: Ya
Does that, and then asked
T: How are you feeling for your parents
A: Better
Chote Ankit ko bhi bataya is perspective ke baare mein (Have communicated to younger Ankit also about this perspective
T: Very good
Then moved ahead, in tunnel of light, forest and ancient temple
Meets the guide at the entrance of the temple. He is Daksh, Sati ke pitaji (Father of Sati) in Mahabharata serial
Asked to move ahead in the corridor with many doors. He first goes there, but comes back to the temple saying that it got very hazy. Asked to go to the corridor again in order to find a resolution for his issues for which he has come here
T: What is coming in your awareness?
A: Sky
There is headache {touches his forehead}
[I]
Lion
Devi Maa on the Lion
Fort…or a temple
Rajdarbar
T: Kiska Rajdarbar hai? (Who’s Rajdarbar?)
A: Lots of people are there
I am a dancer
A lady dancer
I really like the job
T: Kya pehna hai tumne? (What are you wearing?)
A: Sort of jewellery aur jo alag alag legs pe hoti hai (Some jewellery which is worn on both the legs)
T: Kya colour hai kapde ka? (What is the colour of your clothes?)
A: Its changing. Vision is not fix
T: Aur kya ho raha hai wahan pe? (What else is happening there?)
A: I am supposed to dance
T: Kiska darbar hai wo? (Who’s darbar is it?)
A: Don’t know, it might be tawaif (prostitute) sort of role
T: Kya naam hai tumhara? (What is your name?)
A: Priyta
T: Aur kaun hai wahan? (Who else is there?)
A: There are men, not everyone is friendly
Headache has increased
T: Jo friendly nahi hain, wo kya kar rahe hain? (What are those people doing who are not friendly?)
A: I am trying to find the source of headache
Non friendly people want to sort of touch and molest
I will enjoy
{There is silence for some time}
T: What else is coming in your awareness?
A: I am a lady, in a sort of household
No matter what I do, I cannot make everyone happy
There are tensions which are just beyond my control
T: Are you Priyta?
A: No
T: What is your name?
A: Shranvi
Earlier my presence used to make everyone peaceful
But now, it doesn’t appear like that
T: What could be the reason for it?
A: Too much work
T: What work?
A: It’s like that the men in the home, khush nahi hain (It’s like the men in the home, they are not happy)
And I cannot make them happy
The situation is not household related
It is outer circumstances which are beyond my control
I cannot change the things outside
T: Aur kaun hai wahan? (Who else is there?)
A: My husband
T: Kya naam hai husband ka? (What is the name of your husband?)
A: Puralto?
Earlier having sex with me made them happy
But now it is not the cause
My trying makes them more irritated
T: How are you feeling?
A: I am looking for options
I am trying to please him physically…but he kills me
He stabbed ? and dragged me? {some words not clear}
{There is silence again}
Many men have killed me, so I became a prostitute to please them
T: Are you Priyta?
A: Yes
T: What are you experiencing?
A: I am a small child, learning to dance
T: How old are you?
A: 6-7
T: Kaun hai tumhaare saath? (Who is there with you?)
A: Not my parents
One lady is there
There are other people around
They are talking
Someone else is practicing dance and music
T: Who is the lady?
A: I feel that lady is my father
T: How are you feeling?
A: I feel I have something to do
I grow up who is really impressive to everyone in the sense that it will make everyone peaceful and happy
Then I got a little old
T: How old?
A: Old enough to have sex
T: Are you young?
A: Yes
I did not knew people can get so aggressive
Someone strangled me
(Intense neck movements, hold neck, then points towards neck that something is there, tears come out of both eyes)
{Asked to go few moments before death}
T: What are you experiencing?
A: I was dressed very nicely
Sleeveless
I was happy
I was to perform for the audience for the first time
It was something big for me
Someone came
Came and touched me
He liked it
I was fine, because that was what I wanted to
To make people happy
But then that was not what I wanted alone
I left him and go
I was not for one person, I was for everyone
He did not let me go
{Makes neck movements and coughs}
T: What are your last thoughts?
A: I cannot be able to make people happy
[D]
{Asked to experience the childhood as Priyta and then move further ahead from there in order to identify the patterns and learnings}
{Moves to the childhood of Priyta}
A: Tik tik tik tik….taka dhin dhin ta ….{Makes a hand movement as in a classical dance step}
I was beautiful also
T: How old are you?
A: 11-12
T: What are you doing?
A: I am dancing
A lady is there
T: Who is the lady?
A: I will call the lady Gurumata
T: Do you like your Gurumata?
A: She was like a role model
T: Do you have parents?
A: I don’t remember
Because I planned to come here
T: When did you plan this?
A: I planned during the birth
T: Which place are you in?
A: It is like a normal kotha
T: What is the name of Gurumata?
A: Sandeep
I think he is a transgender
T: How is he your role model?
A: Because he is feminine also
He knows dance
T: Did you want to become like him?
A: No
But I liked the things he is doing
Running a kotha
T: Did you want to run a kotha?
A: I didn’t want to run a kotha
But I liked performing
T: What age you started performing?
A: First time
T: What is coming in your awareness?
A: We are preparing for a performance to be happen in the next few days
I am proud of my sexy body
I feel that men like it
And I find it good
T: What did you like?
A: It is like a sexual gesture coming from men, and I liked it
It gave me a sense of control
T: What control?
A: I could feel that I have a sense of control over someone’s life
I laughed about it with some girlfriend
T: Which girlfriend?
A: Some girl at the Kotha
{Asked to move towards the dinner time}
T: What are you experiencing?
A: A semi-circular thing we are eating
T: Where are you?
A: In the kotha
T: Who else are there?
A: There are some friends, other girls, teachers, older ladies
T: How are you feeling?
A: On top of the world
T: What is giving this feeling?
A: I have some aura that can captivate others, that I can make people happy
{Asked to move to the next significant event}
T: What are you experiencing?
A: I am in a saree
Dressed as a dancer
Many ornaments
I am able to perform
I will perform
Someone comes, he is happy to see me
I give him a kiss,…a smooch
Then I push him away
I went on to do my work
Then he grabs me
Feels like he is me
T: Are you able to recognize who is he?
A: Not able to recognize who he is
He grabs me
I like it but don’t want to indulge in it
Maybe he can come after the dance
I feel a power over him
And he doesn’t like power over him
He likes to feel more powerful
I don’t think he is the one who killed me
I became pregnant
And then Gurumata killed me perhaps
After im pregnant, everything is lost
No power, no sexual thing
I don’t remember if I have a child
Headache increases
I don’t know what happened in pregnancy
{has the neck experience again with neck movements muffled sounds}
T: What are your last thoughts?
A: Fuck this, I am not doing this again
T: What will you not do again?
A: Be a woman, and try to make people happy
I never had closure with being a woman
{Asked to move towards the light}
T: How are you feeling?
A: Tired
Let’s take a new direction
T: What are your carry overs from that lifetime?
A: I am still confused
What did I do wrong?
Why can’t I be a woman and help people?
As Shranvi, I got stabbed because woman can’t solve all the problems
Then I took more ambitious role…Priyta
Killed again, perhaps during pregnancy
I want to go back to when I wanted to become a woman
{Asked to go back to the time when he wanted to be a woman}
A: I am a housewife
People are happy
So why not continue this?
Let’s go back
You are a boy
Boy got killed early
Why couldn’t his mother protect him?
T: How old are you?
8-10 years
T: What is your name?
A: Pran?
T: How were you killed?
A: He was playing, he fell from somewhere
I wish my mother had done more to save me
T: How had you wanted your mother to save you?
I am doubting everything
T: What are you doubting?
A: Either there was no mother, or either she was non-attentive
Remaining content of sessions posted in part 2